Hyperbolic God

... I have decided to put to rest, once and for all, the dispute between Science and Theology on the subject of God, by proposing an all-encompassing and self-consistent theory on the relationships among God, Heaven, and the Universe. I propose to accomplish this task in such a manner as to keep anyone from ever asking my opinion on God again.

I. I Have Seen God, and He Is Large

First of all, a colleague of mine informed me that God is large. I rather liked this idea, since it greatly simplifies future postulates (be patient, gentle reader, there will be lots of them). Since 'large' is a relative term (when I was younger, it meant anything over four feet tall), we'll simply assume here that it means God is larger than the scope of our imagination -- e.g., larger than the national deficit.

II. God is All-Knowing

Secondly, I was informed that God is all-knowing. This implies that He knows what is going on at the intersection of Broadway and the Avenue of the Americas at 3:00 Monday morning just as well as what's happening in the Red Square in Moscow at 2:00 Friday afternoon. Thus, He must be in all places at all times, which helps support assumption (I), that God is large.

III. God Is Everywhere

This is almost a direct result of assumption (II), the result being that God is in all places at all times. Assumption (III), however, extends this from our sphere of experience (and observation) to include the entire Universe. In other words, God is in all places at all times in the Universe. Thus, God is a four-dimensional being, which helps support assumption (I), and also why my catechism nuns (who seemed to have enough trouble with two-dimensional Euclidean geometry) finally gave up and decided that He resembled Man (or vice versa).

IV. God Is Self-Evident

In response to query of proof of God (on which to base my theory), my colleague informed me that God is self-evident -- that is, everywhere one looks, there is proof of God. I, being of a rather simple-minded nature, accepted this at face value, and concluded the following: If God is everywhere I look, then He is more than just IN all place AT all times -- He IS all places AND all times. And since all places and all times implies the entire Universe, then God *is* the entire Universe.

V. God Is Large -- and Quite Curved

Since God is the Universe, and the Universe is assumed to be homogeneous and isotropic at all places, then God must be homogeneous and isotropic at all places. Thus, He is either spherical, flat or hyperbolic (since these are the only geometries that support the homogeneity and isotropy conditions). To help decide which of these geometries represents our Universe, we need another basic assumption about God, namely that "God has infinite wisdom." (This assumption was not supplied by my colleague, since she left soon after I postulated that God is curved, but was instead given to me by Sister Francine during catechism in 1969). This is really quite a lot of wisdom, and a simple, finite Universe just couldn't contain it all, so the Universe must be infinite (which rules out a spherical God). We can extrapolate from this conclusion that He is either flat or divergent. Since the majority of the data gathered points toward a hyperbolic (open) universe, we will assume that God is divergent -- which is a convenient assumption, since no one wants a flat God. From this, we quite straightforwardly conclude that He is five-dimensional and curved -- specifically, *hyperbolic*.

VI. Heaven Is 16-Dimensional Hyperbolic Space, and I'm Going To Hell

Since God's mailing address is "Heaven," it is evident that our Universe (God) actually resides within a higher-dimensional space. In (III), God was shown to be intrinsically four-dimensional, but (V) showed that He is actually curved and five-dimensional. If Heaven is to be represented as a higher-dimensional continuum within which our Universe exists, then it must have 15 dimensions if it is flat, or 16 dimensions if it is hyperbolic. Though it is not conclusive, the implication that God is hyperbolic suggests that Heaven should also be divergently curved -- and, thus, requires a total of 16 dimensions for a complete projection. This makes sense, too, since it is common knowledge that Everything actually exists intrinsically in hexadecimal (and c.g.s. units), as evidenced by the fact that the Universe was created in sixteen days.

Note: The fact that the Bible CLAIMS the Universe was created in six days -- plus one to rest -- and not 16 (as we would expect) is actually the result of a mathematical error made by Archbishop James Ussher during the seventeenth century. While attempting to establish the date of Creation, Ussher -- who was not very good at math -- mistakenly took hexadecimal to mean "base six," and thus miscalculated the Creation of the Universe by 10 days; it was actually created on Wednesday, November 2. God created Saturday before Monday because He's a party animal, and has an obvious affinity for weekends as opposed to weekdays. (The astute observer will note that His son gained fame by turning water into wine). Why He created five weekdays and just two days per weekend can only be speculated upon -- and is, in fact, the subject of *another* one of my theories....)

Editor's Note: The piece continues from there, but does little more than ensure my seat near the front, right up by the flames. The only other entry worth noting here is the conclusion:

... Thus, it is entirely possible that the existence of God will fall quite naturally out of a Unified Field Theory, should such a mathematical construct ever be developed. However, even in the event that the existence of a higher being is proven mathematically, we still must note that God DOES, in fact, play with dice.

Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd.
All Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post "Hyperbolic God," provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright statement are included.

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